The Catch
by madasmonty
Summary: "Julian is not someone I made up in my head when I was a child... He lived... The night that he died ten years ago, I died too." Jenny is haunted by her past, but will the myserious Tom Locke help her free herself from Julian's ghost? NOT CANON. COMPLETE
1. Prologue: These Agonozing Days

_Hello everyone! This story is set a few years after the events of the third book. I called Mrs Thornton Rose because it just suited her character. Of course I own none of the characters. All the characters belong to LJ Smith. Please read and review! Constructive criticism is always helpful!_

**The Catch**

**PROLOGUE**

**These Agonizing Days**

It had been three agonizing, endless days since I was admitted into Seattle Hospital in Washington. It was far from my home in Arizona, and I was intensely homesick. Warm tears fell down my face as I stared at my mother. She was reading a magazine that she bought at one of those hospital convenience stores for five dollars. She looked so damn complacent considering we were sitting in the fucking ER. Was I pissed off at her for dragging me here? Absolutely. Was I hurt? More so than you could ever imagine.

This was the first time my mother ever willingly brought me to the hospital.

"I want to go for a walk." I said with defiance. I could hear my mother's sigh, loud and resigning. She flipped through her magazine for several minutes before her response crushed any sense of hope I had left.

"You know you can't do that, sweetheart."

"I'm going to go crazy if I don't go for a walk. This place is making me want to shoot myself in the head. Maybe I should do it considering everyone thinks I will anyway."

"Please don't start this again, Jenny. You sound so melodramatic."

"Mom!"

I had been laying in the same bed for days now, wishing more than anything that the sun would be hitting my face and sending radiating heat rays through me. Instead I was greeted with cold fluorescent lights that made everything glow a ominous green shade. Rose found me on the bathroom floor unconscious and I woke up in this place. Since there was a shortage of beds, I had to wait until a room became available for me.

A nurse came half an hour ago to tell us that I was being moved to a room on the third floor. She then spoke to my mother privately and since then she was chipper. It made me want to scream at her. Of course _she_ was happy. She got to get out of this fucking hospital. She got to sleep in a proper bed. She got to shower and eat whenever she wanted.

"We're ready to take you up to your room, Jennifer." The female nurse said to me, smiling.

I spared another glance at my mother, who refused to look at me properly since she brought me here. I didn't bother to hide the disappointed look on my face, not that she'd see it anyway. Two nurses wheeled my hospital bed toward the lift on the opposite end of the wing. The sound of metal rusting echoed loudly against the narrow hallways as we entered the large elevator.

"Everything's going to be okay, Jennifer. This is nothing to be afraid of, we promise."

"What do you mean _nothing to be afraid of_? I don't understand. What's happening?" I asked the nurse nervously. They looked at my mother and then at me in confusion. I could feel my heart drop to my stomach. No wonder mom couldn't look at me. She was hiding something from me – something vitally important.

"Mom. You need to tell me what's happening."

For the first time in three days she really looked at me. Her blue eyes were dull and lifeless. I wasn't sure what I saw in her empty eyes, but I didn't like it at all.

"This is for your own good, sweetheart."

"_What the heck is happening?_"

No one spoke as we walked out of the lifts and toward Ward C4. My heart was beating so hard and fast, I was expecting it to break free from the confinements of my skin. I didn't have to work in this hospital to know where I was heading. Ward C4 was a place that could only be entered and exited with the use of metallic swipes. Visitors had to check in with reception first. It was a psychiatric ward.

"No. No. No! No! No! NO! Mom, don't leave me in this place! Don't do this to me!" My voice was pleading with her. I didn't care how desperate I sounded in that moment, because all I felt was desperation. I tried to jump out of my bed to make a run for it, but it was pointless. I felt large arms encircle me from behind, and a foreign scream I never knew could erupt from my was piercing my eardrums.

"Jenny, honey, please stop screaming!" Rose was trying to yell over me. It was no use, really. Nothing would calm me down now I knew where I was headed.

"You can't leave me here! _Mom, please_!"

"This is for your own good, sweetheart! Please let these people look after you!"

I was carried into my room kicking and screaming along with my bed. I screamed and cried until my throat was raw and thick. I couldn't see through my swollen eyes. They left me alone, my mother included for several hours before I saw them again. My sore eyes scanned the room. My single hospital bed was in the middle of the room. For some reason I was reminded of a operating table. There was mould on the ceiling of the roof and the room smelt like dust and musk. I wept loudly, sinking to the ground.

Why was this happening to me? I couldn't understand it. I couldn't understand anything that has happened to me in the past eight years.

"Julian. Julian, please. I need you. Don't leave me here all alone." I whispered through my sobs.

"I'm here, Jenny." His chime like voice responded almost instantly. Through my blurry eyes I looked at my best friend. He looked so sad and broken. His hair was growing to his shoulders now and his blue eyes shining with threatening tears. "What on earth has she done to you?"

"She's leaving me here! All alone! Oh god, Julian, this is all my fault, isn't it?"

"No! Of course not!" He took my hands into his own. "But the sooner you come to accept that I am not-"

"Don't say it. Just don't, Julian." I snapped at him. He bit his lip to prevent the words he wanted to spill out of them. Even if he didn't speak the words, I knew what he wanted to say to me. It made me feel furious, but discontent at the same time. He shook his head gently.

"Why am I here?" I asked him despondently.

"I thought it was obvious by now, Jenny." His voice was incredulous now. He didn't let go of my hands as he said, "You are absolutely mad.


	2. Chapter One: Two Weeks In

**CHAPTER ONE**

**Two Weeks In**

_"But I don't want to go among mad people," Alice remarked._

_"Oh, you can't help that," said the Cat: "We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad."_

_"How do you know I'm mad?" said Alice._

_"You must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."_

It had been two weeks since my move to the adult unit at Seattle Psychiatric Hospital. I just turned eighteen, not that there was much of a reason to celebrate.

Since my admission into this place three years ago I learned a lot of things about people. A lot of it involved making no form of contact with any other patient, unless you wanted trouble. Sure, a lot of the people here were harmless but in truth they scared the living daylights out of me. I didn't believe myself to be insane, because I refused to be told that my past memories were figments of my imagination. I wasn't giving into it, and if that meant staying here until I took my last breath, so be it.

I guess in a way I was cocking the gun that I was holding to my own temple.

I stared at the walls of the room absentmindedly. The rich mahogany wood from the bookcases aligning the small room had a distinctive smell – kind of like comfort but a hint of leather mashed into the mix. It didn't make sense at all, but then again nothing about my life ever did. Maybe I really _am_ insane. I pondered the thought of insanity for a quick moment, before I stared into the fireplace.

"What are you thinking right now, Jennifer?" Dr Cohen asked me with genuine curiosity.

Dr Michael Cohen was my new psychiatrist. I didn't know much about him other than he was also a surgeon at a hospital almost three hours away from here. He only saw three patients in this ward, me being one of them. This was my third session with him, but I knew I could trust him. I wasn't sure why. I was very honest with him, even if it was at my demise. His grey eyes were a contradiction – they were filled with warmth and concern. In another life, I would have looked at him as a father figure. I guess I should have known better. I was nothing more than a file that leads to his pay-check.

He wasn't like any other psychiatrist or psychologist I had ever come across in the whole time I had been seeing them. He didn't sit across from me. He sat as close as possible without an intrusion of privacy. He did not hold a pad and paper with him, jotting things down while I spoke. He maintained eye contact and talked to me quite informally. He tried to make things as comfortable as possible and I appreciated his efforts, like I'm sure many others did.

"I miss the life I once had outside the walls of this hospital."

"Do you mind elaborating for me, please?"

"I miss... Being able to go for a walk outside in the sunshine or rain whenever I felt like it. I... I miss... Going to the library and being surrounded by the smell of old books. I miss being able to cook my own meals. I... miss my bed. I miss my possessions. I miss my damn room and my damn house back in California."

"I completely understand why you feel that way, Jennifer, I honestly do. But why do you think that was temporarily taken away from you? You've said to me previously that you don't feel like you should be here?"

The room was now glowing in a strange ethereal way from the fireplace. I watched the leaves falling from a large oak tree outside. The outside world was a constant reminder that I was a prisoner in this place. Although I constantly kept my mind guarded from thoughts of the future, there would be the rare occasion where it would plague my mind. I was currently having a lapse in judgment. Was this what I was destined to for the rest of my life? Would the rest of my life consist of jumping from asylum to asylum?

I growled in frustration and managed to squeeze myself into the fetal position. The tiny leather loveseat that I was sitting on moaned in protest. I was sick of explaining myself to every health care professional I had seen over the years and was met with a cordial response and mediocre facial expressions. I spoke in a loud, monotonous tone that sounded cold even to my ears.

"I am here because of a traumatic event in my past that apparently never happened. I have been diagnosed from everything to psychosis, to schizophrenia, to agoraphobia, to bipolar disorder. I am far too tired for someone my age, Dr Cohen, and I don't know how much more of this I can take."

"Are you having thoughts of self harm or of suicide?"

"Of course I am! You would be too if you were forced to stay in this fucking place without an indication of freedom!"

"You say 'apparently'..."

"It happened." I interrupted him mid sentence.

"Julian, you mean." It wasn't a question. I turned to look at my psychiatrist dead in the eye. His concerned eyes made me uneasy. He looked like he was really worried for me, and that made me angry. Why it would, I couldn't fathom.

"You expect me to defend myself right now, don't you?"

"Sometimes I'm not sure what to expect from you, Jennifer. I am speaking to you right now off the record. I can tell that you're an intellectual person. You know why you're here. I know you do. I want to here your side of things."

"I know what everyone thinks. I know what Rose keeps saying, but she's wrong, Dr Cohen. Julian is not someone I made up in my head when I was a child. He was someone that walked this earth like I am right now. He took breaths like all of us. He lived. He was more alive than anyone. He was my best friend and the night that he died ten years ago, I died too. I _refuse_ to believe that he was never real."

"Are you saying that your mother is lying to you?"

"Absolutely." I said without any hesitation. He didn't say anything for several minutes. His eyes did not leave mine for a single moment during the silence. I hadn't divulged into extreme detail about Julian's death, and he never pushed me to do so. I knew that he knew the details anyway because of my file. But he knew that I would talk when I was ready, and was willing to wait until I trusted him completely.

"I know she was real, Dr Cohen." I said quietly. "I know that my hallucinations aren't normal, but I just know that he was in my life at one point. There is no way I made this up."

"When was the last time you saw Julian as a hallucination, Jennifer?"

I felt my empty stomach rising to my throat. I didn't look at him as I said, "I haven't seen him for three weeks."

I sat alone at one of the many dining tables in the large eating area. I guess one of the only benefits of being diagnosed with agoraphobia was that I got to have my own table. The down side is that there was one other person that had agoraphobia, therefore we sat together by default. At least he sat on the opposite side of the table and never talked to me.

Guess it wasn't really a benefit if I had someone sitting with me regardless.

"_...And in today's news, rate rises likely despite market meltdown. Interest rates will be likely to concur-"_

I picked at my lunch (aka, my packet pasta and frozen vegetables) with distaste and listened to the current affairs of my wing. I tried not to, but in all honesty, the loud bitch also known as Summer always drowned out the television. I couldn't believe the rubbish that came out of this girls mouth.

"I can't believe you haven't seen him!" Summer told Audrey in disbelief. "He only comes in twice a week, but oh my gosh! He is so amazing, Audrey. I tried to touch his shoulder and he told me that it was inappropriate! I mean, come on. I know he wants this."

"Not everyone wants to have sex with a mental patient, Summer."

Summer was a sexual deviant. She believed that everyone was sexually attracted to her, and she would make several advances toward the opposite sex, even when they would decline. Poor Dr. Cohen. Poor anyone with the male anatomy. LI kind of felt sorry for the men in our wing.

"Well Dr Drake told me I was hot once. You remember him? We had a lot of sex, too. It was _amazing, _let me tell ya."

"EWWWW!"

"For god's sake, Summer!"

"I didn't need to know that!"

"_That's_ why he got fired?"

I threw my fork atop my instant mash potato in disgust. A chair from across my table scraped loudly and I immediately looked down at my lunch. Of course I knew who was taking the seat across from me. He sat across from my three meals a day and four group sessions a week. His name was Thomas Locke. I didn't know much about him at all but then again I wasn't that interested. I knew of his presence yet I had never looked at him before. It was unusual.

"Would you like some more juice, Jennifer?" Benton, one of the warden's, asked me. I nodded my head slowly, and he smiled at me before taking my plastic cup.

I had a sudden urge to look at everyone in this place. I couldn't help but wonder what happened in their lives to have them all end up in this face. Was it a traumatic event like my own, or were they simply wired differently from the moment they were born?

"Where is my desert?"

"You didn't list that you wanted desert on your menu last night, Zachary."

"My name's not Zachary. It's _Zach_. You know that! Zach! I want my desert now!"

"You don't have any desert today, Zach. I'm sorry but you're going to have to wait until tomorrow."

"You hate me! You all do! I just want my desert! Please?"

"No, Zach."

"Damn you! You're all out to get me, aren't you? You're all pure evil!"

"Don't talk to Aimee like that, Zach" Benton said firmly. Zach-Not-Zachary started screaming incoherently. Benton handed me my juice and walked toward his direction. I sipped from my plastic cup slowly, listening to the uproar that was bound to happen at any moment.

"You can't have desert because you didn't tick the boxes last night at dinner. When you fill out your meal forms tonight during dinner for tomorrow we'll make sure you have your desert, okay?"

"No! I want one now! I- _Ooh_! Is that chocolate pudding? Can I have it?" Zach turned his attention to some poor person who happened to be sitting close to him.

"But I have already had a few bites. Do you mind if my germs are all over it?"

"No I don't mind. I _love_ chocolate pudding."

"You can't have Lily's pudding, Zach!"

I shot out of my seat and left the dining area, unable to handle another moment of Zach and his desert complaints. He did this everyday and loved to make a scene about the desert he expected but never requested on paper. When I returned to my pathetic excuse for a room I walked directly to my window. I looked down to the ground floor, where people all had somewhere to be. I was a prisoner.

"I want my life back." I whispered to no one.

"Then you know what you have to do, Jen."

Only one person called me Jen. His chime-like voice sent my heart racing, but I did not turn around. I was truly furious with Julian. I hadn't seen him in three weeks! And now he appears beside me to tell me things that I already knew? Unbelievable! I could feel his eyes burning holes in me, but I didn't budge from my position by the window. I stared at my reflection through the glass for the longest time. I ignored Julian's words for almost half an hour before he began to yell at me.

"You know, Jen, I'm a figment of your imagination. I can keep rambling on and on and you ignoring me won't make me poof into disappearance."

"Poof into disappearance? Lovely use of words there."

"Jenny, I'm serious-"

I couldn't take it anymore. My head snapped in his direction as sharp as a rubber band being flicked. I could feel my anger rolling off me in waves.

"You disappear for three weeks and then come here to lecture me? I was beginning to think that I'd never see you again!"

"You've been taking those anti-psychotic tablets the doctor gave you, haven't you? That's why you haven't been seeing me. You're a smart girl yet you didn't realize that would be why I've been vanishing?"

"Don't talk to me like I'm a child! Why are you in front of me then, huh?"

"My god, when did you become so dramatic? What kind of company have you been keeping in this place?"

"Shut up Julian! You sound just like my mother!"

"Don't you _ever_ compare me to your pathetic mother," He hissed at me. "That woman has done nothing to help you when you've been face down in the dirt. She has done nothing but receive sympathy that she doesn't deserve. She loves the attention but not her own daughter. She doesn't love you, Jen! So don't you _dare_ compare me to her!"

Julian's eyes reminded me of a thunderstorm. Sometimes I swear I could see the lightning flashes, the sign of his unpredictable anger. I had to be very careful right now. When he became angry he would destroy everything insight, including me.

"She does love me!"

"If she loved you, she would do anything in her power to help you! Not leave you in this place and marry every man she thinks she loves for that week! When was the last time you saw her? Answer me that."

"No."

"That's exactly that I thought."

"I've been alone without you. I'm sorry. I'm just upset." I whispered. His stiff composure immediately began to smooth away. His eyes returned to the beautiful blue that was so unique, yet so Julian. I could swear that they were even sparkling right now.

"Not really. Thomas has been some form of company for you. If you'd actually look at him you might realize that."

"What the heck are you talking about?"

"You know, that guy who sits with you at the dinner table?"

"I know who Tom is. He doesn't speak to me."

"Well duh, he's a mute."

"..._Huh_?"

The look on Julian's face would have been comical if I didn't know that he was being serious right now. He was looking at me like I was an idiot. He took my hands and started rubbing his thumbs in circles. His hands were ice cold.

"He doesn't speak at all. You know what I'm saying? You really should pay attention to those around you."

"_He doesn't speak at all_?"

"Yes!" Julian threw her hands up in frustration. "And don't bother to say that you _do_ pay attention to those around you, because those skanks don't count. They have peas for brains and aren't even worth paying attention to. By the way, Tom looks at you a lot."

"How would you know?"

"Are you seriously asking me that question right now? I am in your mind, Jen. I pick up things that your eyes and ears tune out."

"So what if he looks at me?"

A grin spread across my best friends face. "Oh my gosh! You like him, don't you?"

"_HUH_?"

"You do! You're blushing! You haven't even looked him in the eye and you like him!"

"I don't like him! What are you talking about?"

He giggled like a child that spotted something shiny. He clapped her hands and started dancing in circles around me.

"You _looove _Tommy!"

"Shut up!"

"Oh!" Julian gasped as two crisp knocks interrupted our conversation. I didn't have to look around the room to know that Julian was gone. Loneliness was washing over me once more. Dr Cohen's head popped through the door.

"Your group session with Tom is about to start, Jennifer. Would you like to walk with me to the red room?"

"Um. Sure." I answered loudly. I began to walk to the door, muttering words I made sure Dr Cohen couldn't hear.


	3. Chapter Two: Confrontations

**CHAPTER TWO**

**Confrontations**

_"I drink to stay warm, and to kill selected memories"_

Julian and I squeezed on my single hospital bed quite comfortably. We stared at the mouldy ceiling for several hours and pretended that we were stargazing like we used to several years before. I could almost visualize our memories in perfect clarity. I could smell the fresh cut grass clap against my bare arms. I could feel the crisp evening breeze entering my lungs sharply. Our hands were laced together and our eyes never wavered from our imaginary night sky.

I wasn't quite sure when I drifted off to sleep but Julian's elbow gently nudged me awake as the sun had begun to rise.

"Ughh, Julie!"

"I know, I know... I'm sorry. How are you feeling?"

I shook my head angrily as I pulled the thin cotton blanket over my head and rubbed sleep from my eyes. I felt extremely disoriented. Since Rose had come to visit me just hours before, she dropped another one of her bombs and I was left in the middle of the destruction she left behind. I couldn't get our brief conversation out of my mind. Julian pulled the sheet away from my head and looked at me seriously.

"That bad, huh?"

I couldn't help but think of the conversation Rose and I had a few hours ago. I hadn't seen her in several weeks and then she entered unannounced, flashing her large diamond engagement ring in front of anyone that happened to be within a six foot radius of her. Tom actually had a panic attack because she practically jumped in front of him. I wouldn't have known had I not heard Dr Cohen screaming at her. She left in a damn whirlwind. She was coming back later on today to tell me more about her newest squeeze.

I remembered the blood draining from my face as I saw her ring. I found it hard to be enthusiastic for her when this was her seventh engagement.

"She makes me so angry, Julian." I mumbled against my pillow. I knew I was crying but I couldn't even find the energy to wipe away the tears. "I don't get it. I really don't. That woman is acting like she's getting married for the first time, not the seventh. She is in this oblivious world. I get that she's happy, but she didn't ask me how I was or even explain to me why I didn't even get a phone call on my birthday. She's apparently living in Florida now. Florida!"

"I'm surprised she even made the time to come and see you."

"That makes two of us."

I rolled over to face him. I could see my reflection in his eyes. Was it possible for a person to look like they were withering away into oblivion? I looked like an absolute mess.

"Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if my dad was still around. Would he have been the same as Rose or more...? I don't know... Nurturing? I guess even my dad could see how much of a fuck up I would grow up to be and left before he could witness it all."

Julian hugged me tightly and I wept. I rarely cried but when I did, it was a sight to behold. My hurt, fear and despair consumed me and I was convulsing. He whispered that everything was going to be okay. I wished that it would be, because I didn't know how much more of this I could take.

I tried to picture my father. It was impossible. I hadn't seen him since I was two years old. Renee refused to even speak of him, or her past flames for that matter. I don't even know what his name was.

"Do you remember anything at all about your father?"

"No... Not at all."

"I hate your mother." Julian whispered to me.

"I don't know why you hate her so much. She tries... And I know she loves me in her own messed up way."

"She doesn't know what love is."

"She loves me, Julian."

"No she doesn't. I just wish that you'd open your eyes, Jen."

"Open my eyes? You always speak in such riddles." I muttered. My eyes were stinging from all my crying. I was sure they were bloodshot and swollen. It felt like I was swallowing sandpaper.

"Remember, I'm in your mind. I see the things you see. I hear the things you hear. Just open your eyes."

The sound of morning traffic somewhere in the distance was starting to lull me to sleep. My body was heavy, my burdens pushing my down into the mattress. Julian nudged me awake again.

"I need the sleep!"

"I know you do but wake-up call is in five minutes."

I groaned.

My insomnia was become a major mind mess up for me. Ever since my move to the adult ward I was finding it difficult to have more than three hours of broken sleep a night. I started to take sleeping tablets, but they were doing absolutely nothing for me. It was making me feel like absolute shit with each passing second.

I decided to get up and have a shower before the nurse came in to wake me up. With my towel in hand I briskly walked toward the showers before someone beat me to it. I was hoping that the warm water would wake me up but it did the opposite. I was swaying against the water on the verge of falling asleep. In a snap decision I turned off the hot water and squealed shamelessly as cold water assaulted my body.

That woke me up real nice.

I tried to ignore the continuous banging on the bathroom door but I soon discovered that I only had so much patience. Usually I never snapped, but lately I reached the end of my limits with mundane gestures – like knocking on the door and annoying the shit out of whoever is in there at the time. Once I was dressed I threw open the door. I was ready to go off at whoever was disturbing me. My words stopped dead in my throat when I was face to face with the most beautiful creature I had ever seen.

I knew who he was without even recognizing his face. It was Tom. It had to be.

"I... Uhh... Well this is awkward." I muttered, looking at his feet. He was barefoot. I hated feet, but even they were beautiful. I apologized quickly and walked away from him without looking back.

Could I be anymore foolish? How could I have not worked up the nerve to look at him? Who the hell looks like they're a god in this place? He's a God! A sight to behold! Because I was an absolute idiot and wasn't paying attention to where I was walking I slammed face first into Dr Cohen.

He laughed as my face turned bright red from embarrassment and told me that we can either have our group session now or after breakfast. I told him that I'd rather do it now since I was out of bed. When Tom got out of the shower we all sat in the comforting room in silence for several minutes. I called the counselling room the earth room because of all of the bookcases and mahogany. I always felt oddly at peace in this room. It was one the place in this entire building where I felt remotely sane.

Dr Cohen was looking between Tom and I curiously. I stole a quick glance at Tom and was stunned by his beauty again. We weren't sitting that close to each other, but our hands were almost touching. What stunned me even more was that I didn't make any sort of attempt to move away from him. Agoraphobia, where are you right now?

I gasped before I had time to compose myself. My hands flew to my mouth and I bit onto my palm to shut myself up. Julian was right! Of course he was. He was in my mind, after all. I could picture that devious smirk on his face.

Tom's green eyes met my brown ones _and then he smirked at me_!

Well sweet mother of all things that are holy...

"So I see that you two have become... Um... Better acquainted?"

"Uhh..."

My cheeks were as red as tomatoes. I could just picture the look on my face right now. I'm sure Julian would be having a laughing fit were he here right now. Tom and I technically had no relationship at all but after this discovery of mine, what the hell was I going to do? How could I even look at him without turning as bright as a fucking tomato? How embarrassing! I was absolutely positive that Tom had no feelings for me. He probably was even laughing at me in his mind, thinking how worthless I was.

"We... Uhh... No?"

_Wow, Jenny. Don't act like you're intellectual at all._

I was mentally cursing Tom for his muteness. I wanted him to speak for once during out sessions. There was only so much a single person could say in a group session.

"No?" Dr Cohen sounded like he was about to laugh. _Yeah that's right, laugh it up, Cohen. _Tom looked away from me, all humour in his eyes gone. I stared at him but he didn't return his gaze again. I wasn't going to lie – I was hurt. And I wasn't sure why it was that way.

"Jennifer?"

"Hmm?"

"Did you hear what I just said?"

"Oh. No. I'm sorry."

"I thought that we might go for a stroll around the hospital courtyard today. What do you think?"

_Oh my goodness_! The mere thought of even having an opportunity to go outside sent my heart into a frenzy. I could almost taste the fresh air. I nodded me head enthusiastically.

"Yes! I haven't been outside in months."

"I know." He smiled at me. "I think that this will be very beneficial to both yours and Tom's therapy. We will of course keep our distance from groups of people if that is what you prefer. If someone does approach you, I will not move toward you unless you give me the signal to do so."

"And the signal is?"

"For you Jenny, just yell out my name. Tom, you just have to give me eye contact and I'll be there in a heartbeat. I have faith in both of you. You've both progressed so far since the first appointment we had."

I was touched by Dr Cohen's thoughtfulness. I wasn't so confident that I wouldn't be having a panic attack, but I needed this. As selfish as it may be, I really did.

We decided to walk down the stairs for some much needed exercise. It felt exhilarating to get the blood flowing through my veins. My increased heartbeat and need for more oxygen made me feel alive. I made note in my mind to inquire about an exercise regime that I might be able to participate in. I could do cardio or weights. I needed some muscle on my bones, anyway.

As soon as we entered the hospital lobby I was bathed with the scent of flowers in bloom. I took a deep breath and let the scent wash over me. I walked as fast as I could without running toward the garden bed. The sun was overhead and shining down over me. I dropped to my knees and felt myself grinning like an idiot. I touched the beautiful flower petals and marvelled at the texture of the fragile petals against my fingertips. There was a chilling air, the sign of winter about to hit with full force. I kind of hoped it would snow, because I hadn't been able to touch snow in years. I don't know how long I was sitting in the garden before I felt that magnetic pull for the third time today.

Thomas knelt beside me with a white rose in hand. I stared at him completely dumbfounded as he passed the rose to me. I was immobilized. My mind was screaming at me to take the damn rose but my body wasn't listening to me! I was too stunned by the way that Tom looked in the sunlight. If I thought that he was beautiful by something as simplistic as fluorescent lighting, I was sorely mistaken. His bronze hair intensified against the sunlight. I could see shades of blond, light brown, red and even orange all at the same time. They weren't at all conflicting with one another. His eyes were the lightest green my eyes had ever seen. He was such a beautiful sight...

The gentle smile on his face was beginning to be replaced with disappointment. I wasn't sure what ignited in me at that moment but I was thankful for the kick start in my body. As his hand began to move away, my own shot out to stop him. My fingertips covered his hand. An electric shock jolted through every inch of my body. I wouldn't have known that he felt it were it not for us both gasping at the same time. His skin felt like velvet. His eyelids fluttered shut and he smiled.

What on earth was happening between us? We both had agoraphobia, so how are we able to touch each other for the first time and not react negatively? How could this connection happen so quickly? _Stop thinking, just feel, _a distant voice echoed in my mind.

I wasn't sure what Tom saw in my eyes as he pulled his hand away from my own. He placed the rose between my two hands and cupped my cheek.

"I wish you could talk to me right now." I whispered to him. He smiled at me sadly, nodding his head.

Could he ever feel something for me other than sympathy or amusement? Was that all this was to him? Without another word he was back on his feet and out of my sight. I looked down at the rose between my hands and smiled again. I seemed to be doing a lot of that today.

"Be ready." Julian told me. My head snapped up and searched the courtyard. I couldn't see him, but I could hear him.

"Julian, where are you?" I whispered.

_Pay attention to what I am saying. Be ready, _he said.

"Such a nice day isn't it?" A masculine, unfamiliar voice said to me. I froze. He sat beside me. He was far too close. I wanted to move away but I was immobilized again. I looked down to my white rose and shut my eyes tightly.

I tried to erase the image that I saw of him for those brief seconds. He had mousy brown hair and was quite unusual looking... Very average looking, actually. He was looking at me inappropriately. It made me nervous.

_You can do this, Jen_, Julian said to me. He was guiding me right now in spirit. I didn't like where this conversation was heading. I knew what was coming and I had to squash it before it happened.

"Um. Yeah."

"That guy that was with you before... He's not your boyfriend, is he?"

Oh God! Where the hell was Dr Cohen? Or Tom for that matter! I couldn't see them anywhere! The tight coiling sensation in my chest was beginning to form. It was the first sign of a panic attack. I closed my eyes again and tried to regulate my breathing just like Dr Cohen had taught us. It was all for moments like this. I just needed to concentrate on my breathing.

_Breathe, Jen. Breathe._

"No."

"Well good." His voice was repulsive. He sounded like he wanted to eat me whole like some cannibal. My chest was beginning to hurt now. My hands were clamming and I could feel my hair clinging to the back of my neck. "I was worried that there might be some competition there. Not that he could ever compare to me."

_Breathe! You have to breathe!_

"I think you are just... Beautiful. A goddess. What are you doing in the hospital, angel? Hopefully not to tend to a sick relative, I hope. You look like your heart is breaking. I can help you fix it, you know."

_Inhale. Exhale. Count to ten, that normally helps._

Was this moron being serious right now? Did lines like that work on anyone? I glanced around again for Dr Cohen and saw him. My eyes widened and he started walking toward us briskly.

"Excuse me!" Dr Cohen's voice sounded in the distance.

"Hey. Are you alright?" The stranger's hand stroked my arm. I couldn't stop the scream that erupted from my lips. It was so foreign and primal. It was fucking bloodcurdling – that was the only way to describe it. I squeezed my eyes shut and felt hot tears fall from my face. My throat was in absolute agony but the cried wouldn't cease. He got too close. He was in my personal space.

"DOCTOR COHEN!" I screamed out.

"Jenny, breathe!" Dr Cohen's voice said to me in soothing concern. He wasn't touching me at all, but was right by my side. My fists were being penetrated by something sharp. I couldn't loosen my grip. Every muscle in my body was tense and screaming at me.

Dr Cohen once explained to me that this was my body reacting to the nerves that would escalate on the verge on my panic attack. The flight or fight reflex, he called it. He explained to me that my body was experience adrenaline, but because I was in fear and I didn't know what to do with the energy, I wouldn't do neither of those things. Instead, my hypersensitivity would become my downfall.

"Doctor Cohen... I can't... I can't breathe..." I was gasping hysterically. It sounded like I was a smoker with a bad cough, it was that loud. It was too late now. I couldn't stop my panic attack. The constricting feeling in my lungs was already there. The only part of me that was moving was my chest. My lungs were pleading for the air that my throat wouldn't deliver. I looked at that stupid idiot and he looked as pale as paper.

"Get... Him... away... From me!" I cried out between my gasps. I couldn't understand the conversation that was going underway around me. The only thing I could hear for several minutes was my beating heart and shallow breathing.

_You can do this, Jen! Don't you give in!_

"Jenny, sweetheart, you need to listen to me, okay? Now I'm going to touch your neck for your pulse, okay? Shake your head or tell me right now if you don't want me to." After checking my pulse, Dr Cohen hands cupped my cheeks. He made me look him in the eye. I was crying hysterically now. He was nothing more than a blurry vision.

"Remember those cognitive session we've had, Jennifer? This is the perfect opportunity to try that, okay? I need you to count to ten in your mind. Slowly, sweetheart. Each odd number, take a breath, each even, exhale. I will be counting with you and will be here." I nodded my head and focused all my attention and energy on Dr Cohen's voice.

"One... Two... Three..."

Just like all the times we had practiced, I focused on my breathing and counted along with him in my mind. My eyes were squeezed together so tightly I was beginning to see stars. I felt so nauseous and my heart was thudding out of my damn chest. Is it physically possible for your heart to do such a thing?

_Focus, Jen!_

"Four... Five... Six..."

I could feel my muscles beginning to relax. Oh thank the lord! The terrible sensation and feeling of a panic attack was such a terrible thing to experience. I was thanking god that the worst of it was beginning to pass. I just had to get myself together to get my muscles to relax completely. All I had to do was focus... Focus...

"Seven... Eight..."

_You're nearly there, Jen, just keep focusing. _My hands that were almost welded together were now loose. The cool breeze were stinging the cuts I wasn't sure how got there in the first place. I was beginning to sway.

"Nine... Ten..."

I exhaled for the last time. I felt completely limp against something warm and soft. When I was certain that I could do so, I peeked through one eye and instantly saw... A sunrise? I couldn't smell roses or any sort of flowers anymore, but something beautifully unique. It was some sort of cross between cigarettes, vanilla, sunshine and peppermints combined with something that I couldn't quite put my finger on. The magnetic pull was at full force now.

_You did it!_

Tom's grip tightened around me as I started crying again. I knew that the reason I had my panic attack was because of contact with a stranger, but I needed the closeness Tom was providing me right now. I knew him. I felt like I had always known him. He was anything but a stranger in my eyes. I needed the closeness of another familiar body against mine right now. If I had Julian to _really _hug, it would have been even better.

Dr Cohen patted my shoulder from behind Tom. He was smiling at me.

"I am so proud of you, Jennifer."

I pulled away from Tom, but was still in his arms as I looked at my psychiatrist in shock. How could he be proud of me? He believed that I could come out here and I failed the moment a stranger approached me. I hated myself so much for letting Dr Cohen down.

"But I had a panic attack..."

I leaned into Tom, resting my head on his chest. His heartbeat was quick and laboured. I hope that I didn't cause him any stress. _Or maybe, just maybe, he was really worried about you_. His grip tightened again. I was more proud of Tom. He hated physical contact but here he was. He held me during my panic attack. I guess we had both come a lot further than we realized.

"You controlled it. Two months ago, the mere sight of a stranger would have sent you into a maniacal attack. Do you remember the first time you saw me? You cried for hours. You were screaming at me to get away from you. It took _physical_ contact for you to have this attack. You spoke to him. You handled it exceptionally. And you focused on your breathing. You have come so far. I am so proud of both of you. Well done, Tom."

I realized at that moment that I wasn't just a pay-check to Dr Cohen. I actually meant something to him, and so did Tom. He wanted both of us to get better and away from this life. And for the first time in ten years, I believed that my life was meant for more than this. I _wanted_ it to be.

"What on earth is this?" A shrill voice yelled from the opposite end of the courtyard. I saw my mother storming toward our direction, her hand in a tall strangers. I was suddenly reminded of the saying _if looks could kill_.

"Get your hands off my daughter!"


	4. Chapter Three: The Other Side of Julian

**CHAPTER THREE**

**The Other Side of Julian**

"_Move outside the tangle of fear-thinking. Live in silence."_

Dr Cohen and I sat opposite each other in a small seating area outside of the hospital cafe. I held a cigarette to my lips and greedily inhaled nicotine and toxins. I was barely aware of the smoke escaping my mouth and sprawling ahead toward Dr Cohen. I felt bad, honestly I did, but not enough to put the cigarette out. I needed it. He looked at me, like a father would a daughter, his eyes disapproving. I tapped ash into an empty can of coke that had the pleasure of being my astray. It was an characteristically warm day, considering it was winter at the moment. Normally this time of the year it would have already snowed, or at the very least, the city would be blanketed with icy roads and struggling vehicles. Trees swayed to the rhythm of the wind that made each branch dance delicately. I shrugged out of my over sized cardigan and put out my cigarette.

I immediately lit another one.

"I could give you a lecture about smoking, but I won't."

"Good, because I'd blow more smoke in your face and enjoy it."

Dr Cohen laughed melodically. For a man that was so highly regarded by his peers and even his mentors, Michael Cohen looked like he couldn't be older than thirty five years old. Maybe he wasn't. He was still so young looking. He must had worked incredibly hard to get to where he has at such an early age. The stress that he must deal with every single day didn't show at all on his features. He was genetically blessed, and I'm sure that even in his eighties, young girls would still be fawning over him. All of the praise that he had received, he deserved, if not more.

His elbows were on the table, his hands clasped together. We were looking at me curiously. I knew he was going to ask me what I was thinking at any moment.

With my cigarette in one hand, I clumsily picked up my Styrofoam cup of coffee, blowing the top of the lid before I took a sip. The warm liquid rushed down my throat like velvet. It was strong and black, just the way I liked it. I easily consumed half of the large cup before I placed it back on the table, working up the nerve to speak.

"I assume you want me to talk about what happened with Rose earlier, right?"

"You assumed correctly." His faded British accent said to me kindly. He had adopted a North American accent over the years, but a hint of his former life still lingered. It was a beautiful combination. He had a small smiling playing on his lips. He was barely amused by our encounter with my mother hours before now. For a while there, I had put her in her place.

"I'm not exactly sure what you want me to say. You saw what happened for yourself."

"I'd like to know what you were thinking during the time your mother practically hit you in front of us all. What was going through your mind?"

"I was angry, as you saw. I told her to fuck off."

"One thing that really stood out to me was your protectiveness over Tom. Did you notice that?"

"Well... No."

Dr Cohen took the lit cigarette from my fingers and took a drag. I grinned at him and he smirked, looking out toward the swaying trees. What a sneaky bastard! Falling leaves looked like dark stars falling from the sky.

I thought back to the argument my mother and I had earlier that morning and frowned. I had never seen such hate harbour in her eyes before and it frightened me. We seemed to bring out the worst in each other at times.

Rose's sharp, manicured nails dug into my hips and I winced at the feel of her fake acrylics. My arms that were already wrapped around Tom's neck tightened. My head was firmly nestled in between my arm and the crook of Tom's neck. I growled against his smooth skin as her efforts to pull me away from him intensified.

"Let go of the boy, Jennifer!"

"Don't you dare let go!" I cried out.

His arms that were beginning to loosen immediately held me in my place like iron claws. Hot tears leaked down my face and stained his shirt. I was so angry I was about to explode. What the hell was Rose doing here, anyway? She didn't even believe in a time before ten in the morning!

"Ms Thornton, that is enough!" Dr Cohen yelled at my mother.

Her nails scraped across my bare skin as she let go of me. I didn't have to look at her to know the expression on her face. She would be manifesting all her hate in murderous waves and shooting them directly at poor Dr Cohen. Tom stroked my hair soothingly and he was shaking slightly.

Oh god. This must be really freaking him out. I felt terrible. This was all just terrible. I sobbed, not crying for myself, but for Tom. I'm so proud of him for not breaking already. He hated confrontation.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." I kept whispering to him. He kissed the top of my head, his way of telling me that it was okay.

"Your daughter just had a severe panic attack not even five minutes ago. The last thing she or Tom needs is for you to be causing a scene! Need I remind you of your actions yesterday? You caused Tom to have a panic attack because you didn't _think_! I will not risk my patient's welfare because you are overemotional and irrational!"

"If she had a panic attack, why is she in the arms of that boy? I have every right to report you!"

"_That boy_ is the reason she is okay right now, but she won't be for much longer if you keep doing what you're doing, Ms Thornton. In relation to reporting me, I cannot stop you. But let me tell you right now that you have no probable cause. There have been no wrong doings here, except for your heinous behaviour."

"That is my daughter! How dare you-"

"Mom!" I yelled. I was surprised at the tone of my voice. I didn't sound like the frail and broken Jenny everyone knew. I sounded like there was authority and wisdom deep within me. I sounded like a mother speaking to her daughter. The tables were turned for once. "Step back and think about the way you are acting right now. Your behaviour is abnormal."

"Abnormal?" She growled at me, stalking toward me swiftly like a predator approaching its prey. I took a deep, shaky breath. The look in her eye was murderous. "You want to talk about abnormal behaviour, Jenny? Fine. Let's talk. How about having an imaginary friend named Julian for eight years? _He is not real, Jenny! _How about all of those suicide attempts and self harming incidents? How about being locked up in a loony bin for three years and finding love with another psycho? Don't you dare talk to be about abnormal behaviour!"

I tried to stand up and hit my mother but Tom held me firmly in my place. Rose's hand was twitching and I knew that she wanted to hit me. Good. Let her. I'd hit the bitch back. I wasn't a child anymore. I wasn't her doormat. I struggled against his iron grip, screaming obscenities at my mother. I had never felt such rage brewing inside of me before. It was stronger than anger. It was pure hate.

Julian's words were ringing loudly in my mind. They echoed sharply several times.

_She doesn't love you_.

My mother could be a selfish bitch at times, and while we all could be like that at times, she just crossed the line. Her words slapped me repeatedly and with each beat my anger grew stronger and stronger. I thought I was seeing red. Maybe I was. I wanted to hurt her. I wanted to beat her like the way her words were beating me. I wanted her to bleed and suffer.

"Get lost, you stupid bitch!" Rose froze in place and looked at me with wide eyes. "Don't you ever talk about Tom that way! How dare you just turn up and create a whirlwind of destruction! You always do that! You are selfish and egotistical, Rose. I may have taken this in the past, but I sure as hell won't when you bring someone like Tom into the equation. Get the hell out of here and don't come back!"

She put her hand over her heart. Her large diamond engagement ring sparkled against the Seattle sky.

I wanted to break her damn fingers off.

"You don't mean that, Jenny. I'm just worried about you! You know I am, baby girl!"

"Do I?"

"How could you say such hateful things to me? Your own mother!" Tears rimmed her eyes, glistening much like her diamond rock. I shook my head, not wanting to speak to her anymore. She as one to talk about hateful words. I could handle her criticism. It was not the first time she pointed out my many flaws so bluntly, but I would not sit around and let her talk such filth about Tom. She had no right.

"Would you like Ms Thornton to leave, Jennifer?"

"Yes."

"Jenny, baby, please don't do this. I only reacted like that because I love you."

_She doesn't love you_.

"Come back later, mom." I mumbled. She put her head in her hands and wept. All my anger dissipated as soon as I watched my mother fall apart before my eyes. God, did I feel guilty at that moment. I asked Tom to let me go and he did once he saw that I had calmed down. I took her in my arms and she cried for several minutes. I told her I was sorry and I didn't mean what I said. She eventually wrapped her arms around me and hugged me tightly. I placed my chin on the top of her head, a reminder that whoever my father was, I inherited his height.

"Come back later, mom." I repeated to her.

"I have never seen you show so much emotion before, Jennifer. Yet whenever your mother is around, that's when I see sparks flying from you." Dr Cohen's voice brought me back into the small diner we were in. I blinked a few times, trying to refocus.

"You tend to over analyze everything I do, Dr Cohen."

"Call me Michael, Jenny. I've asked you to call me that several times." I grinned innocently at my psychiatrist. I bounced between 'Michael' and 'Dr Cohen' constantly. It annoyed him. I found it amusing. "Or maybe I pick up things you try not to let others see. That, and I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't analyze you."

I tried not to smile when I noticed that Dr Cohen didn't give me back my cigarette, but kept bumming drag every few seconds. My finger strummed against the coffee table.

"I really thought I was going to hurt her, Michael. I _wanted_ to hurt her. I've never wanted to harm someone before. It was overwhelming." I glanced at the dining area, suddenly feeling very hungry. I was missing lunch at the ward for this session with Dr Cohen. He wanted to pick at my brain about this morning's events. I just wanted to sleep and forget today's events with Rose ever happened.

"Would you like me to get you some lunch?" He read my mind. I nodded my head and he asked me what I felt like. When I told him to surprise me, he left the table laughing. During his absence I looked at my coffee cup, just thinking about today's events. Would I really have hurt Rose had I had the chance? No. I could never inflict pain on another person. I wasn't one to act on hate. So much had happened in such a short space of time it made my head spin. The chair across from me scraped with pressure and I was amazed at how quick he had gotten my food. I looked up and the words died in my throat.

I blinked once, twice, three times before I could think properly again.

Julian was staring at me blankly, his face void of all emotion. His baggy black shirt was stained with blood, his hair an absolute mess. What the hell happened to her?

"My God! Are you all right?" I whispered to him. His blue eyes met mine. I could see a storm brewing within his irises. The calm before the storm, as they say. I could feel the empty contents of my stomach rising in my throat. What the hell happened to him?

"Julie, what happened to you?" My hand slid across the table and he pulled away before I could reach him. His hands were firm on my shoulders. He made me sit straight. His hands had dried blood on them. I tried to shake him away, but he held me firmly in place.

"You should have killed her, Jen. You should have made her suffer for everything she has done to you over the years." His voice, much like his facial expression, was dull and lifeless. I shivered. What was happening? "Don't think that I didn't sense the hate that pulsated through your veins. You liked it, didn't you? I know you did."

"I could never hurt Rose."

"But you wanted to. You'd love to slit her throat from ear to ear, right?"

"No!" I gasped.

Julian's empty laugh scared me. Everything about him scared me right now. He was now sitting on my table, his feet on my legs. I smelt death on him, the smell of fire and brimstone. His eyes were now flaming crimson.

I stood up, sending my chair flying. It collided against the floor loudly. "What has happened to you? Where's my Julian? The one who wouldn't harm a fly?" I whispered quietly, afraid to speak any louder.

"Kill her." Julian ordered me. "You know it has to be done for you to be free."

"No!" I screamed.

"Jenny?" Michael was standing by my side with my tray of food. I didn't look away from Julian's red eyes as he placed the tray on the table. He was standing next to him now, looking at him with his void eyes. Julian had never told me to hurt anyone before. He never had red eyes. He never looked so _evil_.

And he never stayed when there was another person with me.

"Is he here? Is Julian here?" Michael asked frantically.

I ignored him.

"What have you done with him?" I croaked to Julian.

"I believe the question is, what have _you_ done to him to make him the way he is right now? What has happened to make your vision of Julian change bad?"

"Oh my god..."

Where was Julian? What had I done to him? I gagged, my eyes watering.

Julian was my best friend. He protected me. He loved me dearly. This was just another part of him... A part that I was so afraid of. I let out a shaky breath. This new Julian was playing with a knife that was stained with blood. The tip of the blade was making the tip of his finger bleed as he twirled the blade around. He looked transfixed at the sight of his own blood.

"Jenny, tell me what you see." Dr Cohen said to me quietly. He was now looking where Dark Julian was sitting, but obviously couldn't see him. Of course he couldn't. This was all in my mind. Rose was right. Everything she said was right. Julian's head shot up and he looked at me with his ruby eyes.

"Kill her." He said to me as he vanished.


	5. Chapter Four: The Shadow Man's Wish

**CHAPTER FOUR**

**The Shadow Man's Wish**

"_You have a choice. Live or die. Every breath is a choice..."_

Seconds turned into minutes. Minutes turned into hours. Hours turned into days. Days turned into weeks. Before I knew it, snow was falling heavily, the sun rarely making an appearance. Not that I would welcome it, anyway. The winter cold seemed to blend in perfectly with my mood lately.

Tom and I fell into a familiar and comfortable routine. Every moment we were together we were attached at the hip. He would always hold my hand or hug me if he sensed that I was feeling down. I would do the same for him. Although it seems to be all the time for me. But in my own way, I knew he'd do anything for me.

God knows that I would do anything for him.

I put my legs in Tom's lap, and he smirked that seductive smirk at me. I blushed, shaking my head, looking down. His hand that wasn't holding a book was stroking my leg absentmindedly. It gave me goose-bumps, even though I was fully clothed.

I found myself talking less and less the more that Dark Julian turned up. Whenever I would want to talk about what he had been telling me to do, he would appear before me with his vacant red eyes. It would make me freeze in place. I was too afraid to speak the words – that my condition was becoming worse.

In the past few weeks I have come to realize that there really was something wrong with me – with my mind. I knew it had to stop, but how would I even go about it when I was too afraid to speak the words to anyone?

Dr Cohen was worried about me. He never spoke the words but I could see it in his eyes. I wanted to tell him but I was so frightened. I honestly was. Even Tom would look at me with concern when he thought I wasn't looking. I was withdrawing deeper and deeper into myself, to parts I never knew existed. It was a terrible place I wanted to get away from.

The nurses were bringing out boxes of Christmas decorations. Had three months already flown by?

I flipped through a trashy romance novel, trying to look at anyone, in particular Dark Julian, who was kneeling right in front of Tom. His eyes were boring into his face and I was scared that he was going to tell me to hurt him soon. The only plus side to the whole Dark Julian situation was that he only wanted me to harm Rose. Tom had his arm around me as he read through _Fight Club, _oblivious to my imaginary enemy staring at him. His other hand slowly moved up my leg toward my knee. I leaned into him and closed my eyes.

I missed Julian. I missed him so much I cried at night, screaming out for him. Night was worst for me now. Dark Julian was always there, always watching me. I begged for a torch or any form of light in my room. After having the worst panic attack I ever had, I nearly got sent to the E.R. It took an event like that to grant my wish. Julian kept telling me kill Rose. I would never hurt her and it only infuriated him further. He snapped at me just weeks before, telling me that until I killed Renee, I would be pathetic and useless.

He was right. My mind really is my worst enemy.

"All you gotta do is steal a knife from one of your meals. And next time you see her, stab the bitch in the chest. It's really quite simple."

I shook my head, refusing to speak to him.

"You are pathetic! I can't even stand being around you right now! I hope you kill yourself. You hear me? You're not even worth the air that you breathe!"

I knew he was gone then. That's how our routine usually played out. I waited several minutes before I started to weep. Tom pulled me closer to him, taking a sharp breath as he watched my shoulders shaking violently. I dropped the book I was holding and held onto my almost-boyfriend for dear life.

Why was Julian now this lifeless, evil presence that lingered in my mind? What had happened to make the innocence fade away into oblivion?

I couldn't escape it. Maybe I _should_ just kill myself.

I knew that suicide was the ultimate form of selfishness, and it was far worse than anything that Rose would ever do to me, but my best friend was on my mind. If I killed myself, he'd be free too. He wouldn't be Dark Julian. It was the only thing that would bring us both peace. It was the only way that I could be with the _real_ Julian again. My tears ceased and I couldn't help but smile. I pulled away from Tom and really looked at him.

He was speaking to me with his eyes, asking me if I was okay. I nodded my head, closing my eyes as his lips found mine.

I knew in that moment I was in love with Tom.

I didn't want to be without him, but deep down I knew that this couldn't last. Nothing ever does. I didn't deserve him. He was recovering and I was stepping backward with every single day that passed. I leaned closer to him and brushed my lips against his again. His lips parted and we slowly kissed, blocking out the outside world.

He cupped his hand with my cheek, stroking it with his thumb softly. His hands were so soft, just like his lips. I was scared of never looking into his light green eyes again. But I had to do this. I had to.

"I'll be back later." I told him quietly once we pulled away from each other. His cheeks were flustered and his lips were shining. His eyes were now a dark green. My heart skipped a beat.

"I love you, Tom."

I picked up my cup of water and walked away from him before I could see the look in his eyes. Dark Julian was by my side, looking at me curiously. I quickly swallowed the rest of my water and smashed the plastic cup against the wall several times. I bent down, pocketing the shards before someone came in wondering what I was doing. I shrugged out of my thick sweater that I was wearing and now remained in my white singlet.

I didn't bother to look outside for the last time. There was no point in writing letters to anyone. No one would miss me.

I rummaged through my drawers until I found my large black over sized cardigan. I walked out of my room and toward the bathroom. I felt like everything was in perfect clarity. I was focused and completely determined. I was furious at Dark Julian for taking Julian away from me. I was angry at him for making me leave Tom.

I was consumed in fury.

I locked the door and stared at the mirror. Dark Julian was standing by my side, staring at me through the glass. His white-blonde hair was matted and wild. He looked sick. His eyes were flicking between the blue I loved and the red I loathed. His black shirt that hung on him loosely was now dripping with fresh blood.

As I pulled out the shard of plastic his eyes were blazing red. He was looking at me blankly.

"Jen, don't!" The melodic voice told me. I looked up and saw Julian. In another blink, he was back to the red eyed devil. I dug the shard into my wrist as hard as I could, not moving it just yet. Drips of blood were already falling against my jeans. My eyes watered from the pain.

_Julian and Dark Julian are fighting each other right now_, I thought to myself. _You need to end this. Now. _

"Do it." The lifeless voice told me. "You deserve death."

"No, don't do this, Jen!"

"Get lost! You don't belong here!"

"You get your wish, you bastard." I hissed at him as I dragged the shard across my wrist.


	6. Chapter Five: A Trip Out of the Hospital

**CHAPTER FIVE**

**A Trip Out of the Hospital**

"_Followed the sun until night_  
_Reminiscing other times of life"_

Instead of opening my eyes, I decided to just listen to my surroundings. I could hear running water, a fountain perhaps, and birds singing all around me. I was hypnotized by the gentle swaying of the breeze caressing my skin.

_Well, this definitely isn't the hospital._

I took in a deep breath, letting the smell of fresh grass and flower blossoms engulf my senses. I was in heaven. I had to be. I slowly opened my eyes and let the blinding sun invade my vision. I laughed breathlessly, closing my eyes again for a moment. My closed eyelids were now a bright red. I tried not to wince as I opened my eyes, raising my hand to block the sun. I gasped when I saw no cuts or scars on my arm.

_Am I dead?_

I sat up quickly, looking down at my body. I was wearing clothes that I hadn't worn in years; denim shorts, roman sandals and a baggy floral singlet. My toe nails were painted black, like I used to do years before my admission into the asylum. My fingers played with the beautiful purple petals that surrounded me. The scent coming off them was astounding. The sun was warming my ice cold skin in the best kind of way. I basked in it. The smell of summertime made me feel as light as a cloud. I was at peace. Completely.

My hand flying over my mouth as I gasped again.

_I must be dead. Oh God!_

"No. You're not dead, Jenny." Julian said to me quietly. He was now laying beside me, his hand in mine. I blinked a few times before a wide grin spread across my face. This was _my_ Julian, all traces of Dark Julian dead and gone. His blue eyes were sparkling delicately in the sunlight like a thousand diamonds. His skin was sun kissed and glowing. He had a peaceful smile on his face. I couldn't even begin to describe the relief that washed over me in that moment. He was okay!

"I knew you wouldn't leave me."

He smiled sadly and rolled over to face me. _That _was the Julian I remembered. I was sure I was grinning like an absolute idiot, but I couldn't find it in me to care. "I was still there, Jen. Just not visually. I just wish you talked to Michael about _him_." He didn't say the name, but the hate was there. He shuddered before looking at me again, smiling.

"You mean the messed up zombie version of you?"

She chuckled softly, her laughter as gentle as the breeze.

"Yes. That crazy guy. But then again, I can't really talk, can I? I never left you, Jen. You just thought I did."

"But for the past three weeks there were no traces of you..."

He played with my fingers, eyes averted to the endless sky before us. We didn't speak for a while and just watched the scenery before us. Clouds quickly flew past us, white and soft like marshmallows. I was wrong about the fountain. It was actually a running lake. I could see ducks and fish creating ripples in the water. I was still unsure about where I was. If I'm not dead then where was I? In limbo?

"I told you, Jen, you're not dead. You're just unconscious. And just so you know, you _really _should have talked to someone about Dark Julian. You should have spoken to Dr Cohen. What do you think he's paid for? To sit there and look pretty? He would have helped you through it."

"I'm _really_ not dead? This," My hands swept the field, "is all in my imagination?" She nodded her head, smiling widely.

"This is your mind protecting you right now. After all of the chaos and turmoil you have been feeling, you deserve a little happiness, right?"

Did I deserve this? Definitely not, but I'm not going to ask it all to be taken away from me. I could stay here, watching the endless skies and flowers bloom for the rest of my life. It was all so breathtakingly beautiful. Julian played with the purple flowers, picking apart petal after petal. He was trying to work up the nerve to tell me something but I didn't know what.

I decided to take matters into my own hands and ask the questions I wanted to ask her for weeks now.

"Will you explain to me why Dark Julian took over you?"

"You know, for someone so smart, you sure can be stupid sometimes, Jen." I decided to ignore the insult and signalled him to continue.

"Remember a few weeks ago? That courtyard incident with Rose? Do you remember the rage that was burning through your veins? That something snapped inside you?"

"Yes."

"Dark Julian spawned from that, Jen. He was the hate within you. And I guess, I represent shelter to you. He wanted to take over you, to make sure you would become consumed by hate. I can thankfully say with great relief that that crazy zombie is out of the picture for now." He ruffled my hair playfully.

"Well I guess that makes sense..." Was all I could say. God, the mind was really such a fascinating thing, when you thought about it. All of these defence mechanisms your mind creates to protect or destroy you. I swore to myself that if Dark Julian were to ever make a reappearance in my life, I would say something. I wouldn't suffer in silence this time.

"He was this manifestation...this lifeless being that wanted you to be just as empty."

"And you say that you're my shelter?"

"Well _duh_. I am the security in you that you long to have. You never had a secure upbringing, even though you lived with your mother. You moved from place to place, taking new names, new faces. You felt alone. You needed to cope, so you created me. But you don't need me anymore, Jen."

He looked slowly up. His eyes were cold and expressionless, like he was trying his hardest to block the pain of the words he was speaking. But his eyes were like ice, and they were melting in the heat of the emotion.

"You now have that security in the form of Tom." He said simply.

_Tom_. Could he really be the security that I needed? A healthy one? I could feel tears falling from my face, Julian's words really hitting home.

"I don't want to lose you, Julie." I whispered, squeezing his hand tightly. I couldn't bear the thought of losing Julian after everything we went through. In letting go of him, I felt like I was losing a part of myself. Why was he telling me that I didn't need him anymore?

"Hey now," his voice sounded so broken. Like he was dying with every word he said. It was killing me too. "I'm closer than you think, Jen. I will forever be a part of your life. I'm in your heart. I'm in every step you take. You just need to really take a step back and not let this ruin your life anymore."

"You're not ruining my life."

"No? Look where you are now, Jenny. You deserve so much more than this. You know it, and I know it. I will still be around occasionally." He laughed, "Don't think you can get rid of me _that_ easily. You'll still dream about me. Remember Jen? Dream me into a place of light and happiness. But you are at the point now where you can't keep holding onto me anymore. It's time to let go."

"I don't think I can. I don't even know if I want to."

"I know you can, and you know how I know? Because I am in your mind You can _do_ this. When you hit the bottom, you have to work your way up again. And for the first time in ten years, you're strong enough to do that."

I laughed through my tears, hugging Julian as tightly as I could. He was right; I think I _am_ ready to try now.

I didn't protest when he gently and slowly raised his hand up to stroke my face. His hand traced down the side of my face and he leant forwards, his eyes alight now. Like an innocent child. He kept leaning until he was inches from me. His eyes shut at this point and he took a shaky sigh. I tasted his breath.

That was when he kissed me.

My mind was scattered and I couldn't think. The feeling of his lips on mine, the soft touch of his hands in my hair, was taking my breath away. I felt something beyond the physical though: I felt a shattering. Like his calm and mischievous facade was stripped away and he was breaking inside. All because he had to leave me.

He broke away and didn't make eye contact. He stared at the floor and shut his eyes tightly, drawing his legs up to his chest and heaved a sigh. He looked so lost. It was awful.

"Julian... I..." I didn't know what to say.

"I've always wanted to do that," He said with a small smile.

"Why?" I whispered, daring to move closer to him. He didn't react, save freezing a little.

But he didn't answer. He looked up, looked right into my eyes. I felt like he was staring right through me and into my very soul. "You better wake up Jen." He advised me, "Tommy's waiting."

"But Julian..." I said quietly. "I don't want to leave you." I heard my voice break and I realised I'd started to cry.

"You have to." He said gently. "It's alright. I'll stay here. In the light place you promised you'd take me." He stood up now and grinned wickedly.

I'd never noticed how gorgeous he was. How the sunlight made his hair look as if it was glowing. How his eyes were such a unique blue I couldn't find a word for them. They were just their own colour.

"You have your own life now." Julian said. "You can go on without me. After all," He paused now, like the words were hurting him. "I'm just a memory of what could have been."

With that he walked away. The sunlight seemed to burn brighter than ever before, clouding my vision, and I felt this world fall away. The last thing I saw was Julian, standing in the light all alone. And then even he faded into nothingness. When the darkness finally came, I welcomed it.


	7. Chapter Six: My Own Master

**CHAPTER SIX**

**My Own Master**

"_I am my own master."_

Before I opened my eyes I was engulfed by the pain from both my wrists.

_Oh yeah, that burns. You're alive, all right. _

It was nothing that I didn't deserve, that was for sure. I wondered in the silence of wherever I was right now, if I was placed in isolation. We all knew the rules here; if you self harm or put yourself in a position of concern for your or welfare or anyone else, you were put on suicide watch which included isolation for three days. You were under a damn microscope, a video camera watching your every move. I was suddenly scared, my breath shaky and uneven. I tried to move my hand, but groaned quietly when I realized I had restraints on. No wonder they made us sleep with the damn railings up.

"Jenny, love?" His velvet voice sounded into the quiet room.

My eyes flew open and I was immediately greeted with all the glory of Tom. He was hovering over my bed, a wide smile on his face. He looked like he hadn't slept properly in days, his five o'clock shadow was strong and fierce. He had purple bags under his eyes yet he still looked so breathtakingly beautiful, it made tears well in my eyes. He was still here. He saw my fuck up first hand, yet he was still here with me, smiling at me like I was an angel descending from heaven. I cried as he kissed my wet cheeks tenderly. I wanted to hug Tom so tightly we would become one person. I wanted an ounce of the goodness, the purity he possessed. I wanted to run my fingers through his thick, soft hair and kiss his strong, defined jaw.

"I love you, I love you..." I whispered against his lips, kissing him with as much love I could give him. He chuckled and undid the restraints. I felt a rush of blood flood back to my hands. I welcomed the pins and needles with a grin.

"As I love you."

"I'm not in isolation?"

His already large smile grew and his hands never left my body. It made my heart go into overdrive, but not in a bad way. His eyes danced with joyous emotions and relief. I suddenly felt extremely guilty for everything I put Tom through these past few weeks. I was aware of the strain I was putting on him, but never really paid that much attention to it. I could see now how much I really meant to him. I made a vow to myself at that precise moment; _You must never make him worry about you again, Jen. Stop being so damn selfish._

I'd never noticed but my inner voice sounded just like Julian.

"You...stayed...but...oh Tom!" I ignored the screaming pain in my arms as I hugged him. I kissed his neck, his jaw, everywhere my lips could feel skin. I felt blessed. Watched over by some divine being. Julian was right; he was my guardian angel. I could get through this with him in my life. It didn't matter if we were friends or something more, he was my light in the darkness I had once found comfort in. I kept whispering the words _I love you_ repeatedly, and each and every time he would tell me that he loved me too. It gave me goose-bumps.

"How long have I been unconscious for?" I asked him nervously. I really didn't want to know the answer, but Hell, I was going to find out eventually, anyway. Might as well hear it from Tom.

"Three days."

"_Three days_? Was I induced?"

"No. Dr Cohen believes that your body was physically drained from all the blood loss, and once you had the blood transfusion-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, transfusion? Are you trying to tell me that I nearly died?"

Pain shot across Tom's face. He was reliving an experience he should never have seen in the first place. I wanted to place my thumb over the crease in between his eyes, the frown on his lips and smooth them out. I didn't want him to worry anymore. I wanted him to be happy and well. I could hit myself for being so damn stupid!

_You nearly lost him forever... You're stupid._

"It was very close... But here you are..."

"Here I am..."

I smirked at Tom, pulling his body closer to mine. I stroked his beautiful hair. I took in the different shades, amazed at how even his _hair_ was so striking. I remembered the first time I saw it in the sunlight, and the beautiful shades of orange, brown, blond and reds. The range awed me to this day. His breath fanned across my collar bone like stolen whispers. I shivered at the intimacy of such a simplistic gesture.

I had almost forgotten that Tom spoke to me three days ago. His voice, a mixture of melted chocolate and sheer seduction made me want to fan myself. It wasn't at all like I expected, but better than I could ever had imagined. It was deep and rich and uniquely him. It was a crime that he kept his voice hidden from the world.

"Your heartbeat is faster... W-what are you thinking about, love?"

I groaned as he laughed at me. If I could avoid answering that question, I definitely would.

"Tell me what I've missed out on since I've been asleep?" I asked him.

"Summer got released last night."

"I missed that?"

We laughed together, discussing everything I missed out on. It was like I just went away for the weekend, not because a suicide attempt had left me unconscious for three days. When the laughing died down, I looked at Tom seriously.

"How have _you_ been, Tom?"

He seemed stunned, his face blank for several seconds. I would have given anything to know what was going on through his mind at that moment. If only I could read minds. It seemed like he was working his way through layers of emotions, trying to sort out how he really felt. When he didn't reply, I felt slightly discouraged, but gently nudged him a little. I would go crazy if I didn't know.

"A penny for your thoughts?" I asked him. He smiled and kissed my knuckles gingerly.

"I'm very good right now, babe. So happy that everything has worked out."

"Will you promise me something?" He nodded his head. "Never, ever put your life on hold for me again. Don't get me wrong, I am so, so thankful that you looked after me; but your life is more important than mine. Remember that you're here for you, not for me."

"My silly Jenny," he cooed, wiping away more tears I didn't realize were falling. "Don't you see? You _are_ my life."

"Be with me...please." I whispered before I could stop the words. His lips parted in shock. I cupped his face in my hands, smiling at the stubble and the way it tickled my skin. "I want to be yours...and I want you to be mine."

"I'm with you." I leaned into him, our lips becoming reacquainted. I sighed as I kept thinking to myself that this was something I could get used to. I hoped he felt the same way.

"Icing on the cake," He whispered against my lips.

I knew that Julian was someone that was in my life. But now I could move on. Get better with Tom by my side.

_It's time to take your life back. Make it yours again. You are your own master."_

**The End**


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